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Guilty as Charged
Down the hammer goes! The jury has reached a decision. You wait for what feels like eternity. You have an inkling on what the verdict will be. And you are right. A judgement is passed: You are “guilty as charged”.
Such may be the scenerio that is being played out in your mind as you wrestle with guilt over some of your darkest secrets. I didn’t quite know what to expect, when I asked for confessions in my last post. However, I’m sure glad that a few of you plucked up the courage to share them. I also noted that there are others who chose to play it safe and not reveal their worst ones.
I began to wonder whether some of you are experiencing a general underlying negative emotion or more, beneath the memory of your secrets: Remorse? Grief? Shame? Sadness? Loss of face? My husband helped me with the magic word that summed up a majority of them – Guilt. So join me in today’s discussion on guilt down memory lane.
Guilt, Regret & Remorse: A Goodbye Kiss
They went to a party and started to drink,
No one ever stopped to think.
Soon it was time for them to depart,
They chose to drink, it wasn’t smart.
They thought going fast would be great,
By the time he pressed the brake, it was too late.
They swerved and smashed into a rail,
Three of them hurt, one to jail.
She lay on the road like a broken doll,
They needed help, who would call?
Tubes and machines everywhere,
Flowers and cards from those who care.
He kisses her silently and sheds a tear,
Her time to go is almost here.
They were together for quite awhile,
Those who saw them together couldn’t help but smile.
She was his baby, he was her life,
They were destined to be husband and wife.
Now it was over as quick as a blink,
Her life at an end, because of a drink.
She chokes and takes her final breath,
Then closes her eyes and accepts death.
He starts to cry, and whispers her name,
But she is gone, a drink to blame.
-Unknown
What is Guilt?
I investigated into guilt and came up with these explanations:
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1. Guilt is an energetic state that is very heavy and dense in negativity. You put yourself in this state because of what you have done or should not have done. There is an ethical and moral standard that you are measuring yourself up against. It is driven by your conscience.
2. According to Wikipedia, “Guilt is the fact, state, or verdict (by a court or other tribunal), of an offence, crime, violation, or wrong committed, especially against moral or penal law. Guilt is also a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes - whether justified or not - that he or she has violated a moral standard and is responsible for that violation. It is closely related to the concept of remorse.”
3. Guilt is a feeling of regret and obligation for not having done what is right.
4. It is an expression of remorse, shame and loss.
5. It is a form of self inflicted punishment that you have been irresponsible for someone else’s unhappiness or disaster.
6. It may also drive you to take irrational actions to compensate for your so called “oversight” or “past mistakes”.
A Baggage of Time; An Attack On Yourself
“Guilt is anger directed at ourselves.”
— Peter McWilliams
Guilt can cause much misery. You become separate from becoming a more loving being. When someone else confronts and attacks you, your natural defence mechanism kicks in. However, in the case of guilt, you are really attacking yourself. You have no defence and you punish yourself unnecessarily. If you do not deal with your guilt, you run the risk of feeling defeated, dispirited and never truly happy.
In the last post, many of the confessions made come from events in the past. By far, most of what are shared are secrets that are not unforgiveable. However, it is possible with deep layers of guilt, and in your darkest period, some of you may take the drastic choice of giving up on yourself. You refuse to honor and love your inner child. Instead, you judge yourself harshly, withdraw in sadness and put on a face that masks the misery inside. In moments of insanity, you may even channel feelings of guilt to anger, making sure that no one around is having a good time. Ultimately, the person who really suffers most is You!
Hence, take a step back and rake up your memory. Ask yourself if you are carrying a baggage of time. Investigate as such:
1. Are you letting guilt experienced from a previous relationship ruin your current one?
2. Is guilt from a childhood trauma causing you to act up in fear, experience insecurity or causing you to shut down?
3. Is guilt the reason why you are making more allowances to a specific party?
4. Are your frequent bouts of anger really an expression of guilt?
5. Is guilt the driving force of your major life decisions?
And if you are truly experiencing guilt, know that the past is a thing of yesterday. You cannot change what you have done. There is no point letting your past affect your today or tomorrow. Where you have found that you made a mistake, remember that you are not perfect either. In fact, it will be a good idea to embrace your past as a part of yourself.
Guilt At The Deathbed
Guilt does no more than bring down your energy vibes. Of course, you can choose to ignore it all your life; but realise this: Guilt is often a state that is often experienced on the deathbed. No one says it better than Coco Chanel, the famous French Fashion designer (1883-1971)….
“Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death.”
It sounds ominous but it is a fact. You cannot guarantee that you have all the time in the world to deal with guilt.
Well, a good way to getting started is to share in a confession or in the comments below. There is no better time than doing it in a group! You may be surprised to find that the little secret that you’ve been keeping is perhaps not the most scandalous of all! Read the following observation…
“Where all are guilty, no one is; confessions of collective guilt are the best possible safeguard against the discovery of culprits, and the very magnitude of the crime the best excuse for doing nothing.”
— Hannah Arendt (German born American Philosopher and Political scientist. 1906-1975)
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What a deep topic - guilt is the impetus and the product of so many things, and the human response to these is incredibly powerful.
Since the causes of guilt are very subjective based on the person, someone who is in touch with their inner self and can be honest will have a much better time alleviating or coming to terms with whatever is causing it. Granted, it may not be an attractive process, but it will help heal whatever emotional wounds exist.
You’ve also outlined some great things to think about as far as where guily comes from. Is it from a moral code, and if so, who sets it? Is your guilt driven by something society as a whole as set as the standard? Do you secretly grow your guilt or attempt to face it?
I’ll stop rambling, but this is such a poignant and relative subject, especially in today’s world. Awesome post!
I couldn’t agree more. Guilt is a HUGE waste of time and energy. I think for moms especially, it is hard not to feel guilty once in a while. But I am doing my best to avoid it.
Evelyn,
I was so lucky to have a spiritual advisor and mentor many years ago who gave me a wonderful concept on guilt and what to do with it.
He was a Silva Instructor and is currently 80 years old, and known as the American Monk. Name of Burt Goldman.
http://www.theamericanmonk.com
Burt explained that guilt is actually useful when handled correctly. “Guilt is the compulsion to repeat the act correctly.”
Guilt serves it’s purpose if it moves us to recognize an error, deal with it, make reparations when possible and, finally, behave better in the future. See! All good stuff!
The problem happens when people won’t let go of the guilt when it no longer serves it’s original purpose - moving us to make amends, if possible, and behave correctly.
Holding on to guilt past it’s useful time is self-defeating, weakens us, and actually makes us less able to function in a way that is beneficial to self and others.
As a Hospice Nurse, I’ve had wonderful opportunities to help people become at peace with the past. What a blessing it is to release guilt when it is no longer NEEDED!
Hello John, you’ve said it right. Guilt is a huge topic. I’m not done with saying all I can share on this topic yet and am actually slating more posts on it.
You correctly pointed out that dealing with guilt may not be an attractive process. Yes…it can be painful..I know it enough as I’ve chosen to face my demons.
I sure do wish more of us will decide to do the same. We tend to pick our battles externally - the strife for success. Yet, the internal battles are the ones that well won, can bring us to greater personal heights.
Thanks for your ramblings too. You’ve also stirred up more food for thought for me.
Evelyn
Experiencing Guilt Down Memory Lane…
Guilt is something that we experience when we feel that we have fallen short of ourselves….
@Vered, hmmm…do moms feel it more? Yeah…I think so! You’ve just highlighted a new observation for me.
@Brennan, as a Silva Method student myself, thanks for the heads up on checking your mentor out! Come to think of it…I think I’ve heard of him. I’ve just signed up for his newsletter and am looking forward to see what insights he has to offer.
Thanks for sharing what you’ve learnt about guilt. Yes…I’ve also come to the conclusion that guilt is not all that bad if it is redirected properly. I’d be sharing more about it; probably in my next post!
Evelyn
Fabulous post Evelyn
Funny you wrote about guilt after my post on “Stop shoulding yourself” http://www.powerfull-living.biz/blog/2008/07/28/coaching-tip-stop-shoulding-yourself/
Guilt is a huge motivator and is a tool many people weild to control others. It’s such a conditioned habit, many folks don’t even realize they do it. I still find myself getting caught up in some choices and actions that are fueled by some guilt. It’s usually around some belief of unworthiness, inadequacy, or fear. A question I like to ask myself is, What is behind my yes? Is it a yes I freely choose or one motivated by fear, pain…..?
Love your posts Evelyn
Blessings,
Lorraine
http://www.powerfull-living.biz/blog
Hi Evelyn,
It’s true guilt weighs us down and often is unnecessary. But it provides a very strong feedback that something is not right, that our actions are not in sync with our values.
Hi Evelyn, I appreciate the intent of your post on the topic of guilt, but I think there’s a very real danger of becoming overly preoccupied with purging guilt.
While I believe it’s beneficial to release the shame that underlies guilt by way of regret or remorse, I don’t feel it’s necessary to go looking for the dirt that lies hidden in your past. That’s why we have humor and fun. Yes, sometimes said humor and fun can be a little more compulsive than wholesome, but they do serve a valuable function of allowing us to remain buoyant despite any negative influence shame/guilt might have on us as we go about our day.
To be sure, humor and fun also keep us real. Too often, especially in so-called spiritual circles, too many seekers seem to be infected with a deadly earnest attitude, as if any attempt at humor might take away from their quest for a sacred and divine status.
Now, for some humor: if I’m sounding too serious here, then I stand guilty as charged!
Golly gee, I guess I’m not a god after all
@Lorraine, I went back to your post to check what I wrote. I honestly could not remember. Rereading what you have written, I can see the connection with the “shoulds” and the guilt.
Great question with the asking of “yes”. In fact, now that you have pointed it out, I’ve been practising it without actually realising it over the last 2 days. My intent has been to ask if I’ve been motivated by different reasons behind my actions. And I’ve been amazed at how much the questioning has revealed to me.
Thanks for sharing your feedback. You’ve been a great help to me in recognising what I’ve been doing!
Evelyn
@Avani, nice way of putting things about the feedback system. If only more of us view it that way, then it won’t be such a serious and dense issue and readers like peacelovejoybliss will get a chance to read more light hearted posts….LOL!!
PeaceLoveJoyBliss, I appreciate your feedback. It’s true a light hearted touch can go a long way in also bringing personal development messages across. I’m all for fun and games. Just like what I’ve done with the start of a joke on my previous post. If my past confessions were anything to go by, anyone could tell that I’ve got the hint of a wild and adventurous side.
However, there is no denying that there is also a time to get serious. Some readers are really in dire need of knowing what to do. Incidentally, while I was writing my post, I noted that some of my own personal friends were also going through guilt in a major fashion. It cripples them. And as a person who has managed to dig up guilt, I can say that it is no joking or laughing matter!
In any case, I’ve long set up the intention of making the posts here presented in a variety of ways; so they never get boring. I’ve got every intent to educate, empower and entertain readers….er….but with little use of profanity (is it possible????). Hence, they are a bit of everything. In fact, I would say that many of them are written to elicit what a typical reader would like. Hence, your feedback is very valuable to me
I hope I don’t sound like I’m justifying either…LOL. I don’t need or choose to! I’m stating what-is.
You’ve said it well. And may I borrow some of your lines to summarise my journey at this point in time: on a quest to sacred and divine status with a touch of humor….
Evelyn
Hi Evelyn,
Wow, deep topic to start my morning! I find the trickiest thing about guilt is knowing when to let it go. There can be huge lessons that come with guilt, but not being able to let go of it does NOT mean the lessons have not been learnt. We tend to be hardest on ourselves … negativity cannot affect us unless we allow it, and in the case of guilt, we may need to explore deeper on why we allow it so freely! Collective consciousness (or unconsciousness?) and social moral values do play a big part on why some of these negative emotions are allowed to affect us so deeply.
Digging up guilt and past bad memories can serve a good purpose if we are able to deal with it appropriately. Healing is subjective to individuals, so while some people are able to face their negative feelings head-on, some are better off burying them and focusing their lives on newer, better things. This is not the same as hiding or being in denial … it’s just another way of letting go of emotions that no longer serve us.
Very thought-provoking article and some great comments here, thanks!
Evelyn, I must confess, somewhat guiltily, that you’re way more cool than I gave you credit for.
Deep breath. Ahhhhhh. Mmm, that’s better. Now …
Like you, I’m all for more lighthearted posts, but I also see your point that there are moments, minutes even, when it’s time to get serious. I mean, really serious. Like when friends with crippling guilt need a compassionate ear, a loving touch, or a warm hug.
And yes, please, by all means available or desirable, you may borrow some of my words/lines to describe any aspect of your journey, now or later. Like you, I’m on a quest to secure a sacred and divine status, but with more than a touch of humor and with a few wild displays of good sense thrown in for good measure.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some reading to do; gotta find me some of your lighthearted, adventurous, and (dare I say it?) wild blog posts.
I tend to use negative emotions like guilt and anger and channel them towards positive action. Sometimes guilt is the impetus that makes make right the wrongs I’ve done.
I try to use and control my emotions constructively, and guilt is one of those that can spiral out of control. Very important to keep it in check.
@Irene, the problem in burying guilt is that it can surface as regret on the deathbed. The point is to never deceive oneself about how one is affected by the guilt. If it is not major in any way, by all means, move on. But if it is required, never fail to have the courage to face and deal with it.
@Al, I’m reaching the same conclusions myself. If guilt is redirected to a positive energy that serves and helps others, then it would essentially be a great thing!
Hi Evelyn,
What a well researched value based post.
I especially like the quote you included “Guilt is anger directed at ourselves”. There’s a lot to be said for that, and when people realize it, they’re often on the road to mending.
I agreed so much with the confessing part to release guilt. Recently, my indecisiveness got someone in trouble again. He mentioned today that he is very dissapointed, and I got to carry that guilt baggage for quite some time. I’m getting very disappointed with myself, and eventually I SMS-ed him to say sorry. That really helps me to release the guilt.
Thanks for such an encouragement!
Robert
Your five points are great to look at how we let guilt over past experiences express itself in our lives today. I’m going to reflect more on these.
While I’m guilty of feeling guilty, I try to approach each day understanding that part of my learning process is to make mistakes and the ones that I make today teach me how to be better tomorrow.
@Barbara, I’m glad that you found the article useful. Yes, guilt is often unnecessary and self inflicted.
@Robert, it’s great that you took the step to sms your friend. Sometimes, this is all it takes just to release the guilt.
@Laurie, you’ve certainly got a great attitude! I cannot profess to having always viewed negative states like guilt in a positive manner. Do keep it up; the more we can learn from them, the more we grow!
Hello PeaceLoveJoyBliss, thanks once again for your feedback. Before writing out this post (and reading your feedback), I was just thinking how nice it would be to continually publish about the nicer aspects of personal development like goal setting, positive thinking, affirmations and success principles. How nice it would be to be publishing more jokes and all. In fact, I wondered if doing so would up my reader subscription rate.
But I started to think No. I just could not keep silent about the more serious stuff and the nasty states that we put ourselves through. I write based on my personal experiences and through observations of others. And because I have chosen to face up to my demons, I do recognise how others are blinded into believing that guilt can be buried and forgotten.
So I’ve watched silently, noting that my friends need help. I offered some direction but it was refused. I could not do a thing if they preferred not to face their own fears.
Sigh…the only thing left for me to do is to write an article. I’m hoping that it can at least help someone out there in the world, who just may be more ready. So heck with writing more pleasing stuff for getting an increase in reader subscription rates!! I’d just write what I need to say!
Very much on the same journey to spiritual awareness,
Evelyn
Evelyn, this is a great topic to explore. We all carry guilt. And sometimes all we need is forgiveness. Other times, we maybe need reassurance.
For me, I had a time when I experienced guilt when I was working a lot, especially on weekends. Having small kids and my wife at home, I felt guilty that I was taking away time with them. Our kids are now a little older, and it’s not as bad. But I still have those feelings occasionally. For me, it has helped to have reassurance from my wife that it’s ok to be gone. And it has helped that I’ve found ways to work from home. But the key for me was reassurance.
nice article. thanks for sharing.
What a great post and then followed by so many insightful comments!
What more can I say?
Clearing guilt out of my own life happened most smoothly when I surrendered to more love and acceptance about myself. It just seems to soften everything. It’s seems to me that finding ones true nature is a journey, and the more we understand our Self, the more we are able to let go.
Thank for another thoughtful post!
Guilt and self-judgment is something so important for us to express and explore.
I think how much guilt you have is indicative of how you positively you feel about yourself.
@Lance, it is great that your initial guilt has turned into just a need for some reassurance. Truly there is no need to feel guilty because while you may not be near your family, your thoughts are with them. You are lucky to have a supportive wife.
@Paresh, thanks for your feedback.
@Monica, you’ve shared how you gave up guilt so beautifully!! On the contrary, many of us see it as a struggle and therefore, resist facing up to it.
@Jonathan, yes…if one feels a tinge that all is not positive and well, it warrants investigation. Growth happens in the discovery process!